I am very lucky I have a poor sense of smell. Not only does it help me to have a happy marriage, it also saves a fortune. I could splash out around £100 for some Chanel No5, but there is no point as I can’t tell it apart from Katie Price’s fragrance, which is far cheaper, as you’d expect, but is still ridiculously over-PRICED .

Mind you, even if I had the olfactory senses of an African elephant*, it seems stupid to pay so much for a bit of scented water. Almost as stupid as paying through the NOSE (Sorry for capitalising these awful puns, but it would be a shame to let them pass uncelebrated) for a designer handbag. Or designer anything for that matter.

If I was ever made Queen, which wouldn’t be a bad idea given the current state of the royal family, I would happily splash some cash on British designers to promote their talent. But as a humble, or as some would say, rubbish, writer I can’t afford to waste money on a label, that could be better spent on some quality chocolate. In particular those delicious bouchees from Cote d’Or.

I know people who yearn to possess desirable, and horribly expensive, status objects, ranging from Mulberry bags to Porsche cars, and sometimes these people manage to get these things. But I don’t get why? What pleasure do they get from them? If someone gave me something that screams that it cost a shedload of cash, I would be too embarrassed to be seen with it. Or in the case of that Ferrari I expect to be given one day, too embarrassed to be seen inside it.

Why aren’t status-driven acquaintances embarrassed? Don’t they realise their friends aren’t impressed by the Hermes bit of bad taste dangling from their arm, but are instead thinking how superficial they must be to waste so much money on a handbag?  Perhaps they don’t want friends, because one of the best ways to alienate everyone you know is to be rich enough to buy stuff they can’t afford. They may gasp in admiration as you show off your latest designer watch, but inside they will be thinking what a complete fool you are.

Diamonds are not my best friend, I can’t tell them apart from diamante; gold jewellery always looks dull compared to the sparkly tat I like to wear; and I imagine that cashmere from Uniqlo feels just a lovely as cashmere from Gucci.

Another reason why I have a happy marriage. I am cheap to run.

*I just Googled which animal has the best sense of smell, so you don’t have to