I am thrilled so many of my friends’ children have just been offered places at Oxford, in fact I am delighted. I am so happy for them I feel quite sick. I am not even a teensy bit envious, I love my own children dearly, despite their failure to even get grade one in piano. I know they are geniuses too, in their own way. When they get their A level and GCSE results in the summer, I will not be disappointed about any missing A stars, because my daughter is SO kind and my son is SO funny. And that’s not because of their inherent natures, it is because of my brilliant parenting.

What is even more impressive about my friends is that they haven’t boasted about their children’s recent achievements, they have barely spoken about it.

Let me tell you, if I had something like that to brag about I would be writing it in capital letters all over Twitter. I would be texting everyone I know, hell, there would be posters all over Twickenham high street. I’d put it up in lights in Piccadilly Circus if I could afford to.

It is just as well for the world that I have no attainments worthy of note. From my rubbish A levels, to failing to win any awards whatsoever in my career, I have never had any reason to bore everyone with tales about how I have made it. And at such a young age! You should thank your lucky stars that no one in my family is distinguishing themselves, because, boy if they were, you’d hear about it. You’d have to defriend me on Facebook; delete all my texts and turn down the invitations I’d bombard you with to share Champagne to celebrate yet another accolade. You would want to kill me. If there is anything more annoying than someone you know achieving huge success, it is them talking about it.

I should learn from my modest friends though, just in case one of my dreams does come true. When I get invited onto Desert Island Discs (this is dream number one), I will keep quiet about it. Imagine my husband’s shock when he switches on Radio 4 one Sunday to hear me regaling Kirsty with one witty anecdote after another. Actually, he wouldn’t be a bit surprised. He is always telling me off for never informing him of what I’m up to.